i wish i were more brave. how daring, how risky, how painful it would be to love someone SO much, knowing in advance that that love would be abused, misunderstood, trampled on, despised. i've always been amazed by hosea. is my call to love any different than his? is my call any less than the call that christ answered on the cross? genuine questions...

how do i love my boss in the same way? can the inkling toward 'self preservation' be found in love? why is it okay for my love to have self-inflicted 'boundaries'? where's the fine line between loving and enabling, especially in regard to someone in an authoritative position? do i stay and be a sacrifice, or do i go in hopes of loving from a different vantage point?



dusty feet, tired from walking
you have beautiful feet
And you walk those roads, and you gave hope to me
calloused hands tired from working
but you have beautiful hands
and the wounds therein have given life to me

i want to know your beauty
to hold it here in my heart
oh lord if only i could make my road look like your road
if i could love the way you love
if your word in my heart was the only thing i used to fill me up
i want to place my feet where the wounded walk
where you learn to love no matter what the cost
i want to go
i want to walk your road

a broken heart for the wounded
and yours is the most beautiful
looking past our faults and dying to meet our need
weeping eyes for the sinner
there's nothing more beautiful
and lord i want the passion of those tears

i want to know your beauty
to hold it here in my hands
oh lord if only i could make my road look like your road
if i could love the way you love
if your word in my heart was the only thing i used to fill me up
i want to place my feet where the wounded walk
where you learn to love no matter what the cost
i want to go
i want to know how to walk your road

My 26th birthday is coming up in a few short months. I look back on my college days and remember thinking, "Twenty-four is a good age to get married. God, if you could work it out so that I get married then, that'd be great." I even remember back in high school looking forward to one particular day - the day I get married. Everything will change. As I grew and supposedly matured, I continued my growth plan based on being the best woman I could be So THaT eventually I would be the best wife anyone could hope for. There are books and Bible studies and courses and sermons all designed to set us up for successful marriages.

But today I had a realization while talking to my beautiful friend, Angie. No one is teaching us how to be better single people. Nobody WaNTS to learn how to be a godly single person, because we all hope that singlehood is NOT our final destination. Nobody wants that. Nobody asks to be single their entire lives. As far as most of us are concerned, it just happens to a few unfortunate souls.

But what if...

What if, as a single woman, I fully embraced my marital status? What if I didn't spend so much time and thought energy trying to figure out how to get out of this stage? What if I wasn't so eager to be in a relationship that I actually learned to eNJoy being single?

I wondered why I couldn't think of any books on being single. I wondered why I have never before desired to know how to be a holy, single woman. And I guess it's because it would mean I was giving up. If I got books on 'the single life' it would mean that I no longer had any hope. But does it have to mean that? Not that I'm going to go out and buy any books, but does the passionate pursuit of being holy and whole here and now (with or without a spouse) mean that I don't want to get married? Why have I made being single a lonely, depressing thought instead of "pleasant" and "delightful?"

I look back (at the not-too-distant past) and see all my desperate attempts, all the games I played, all my efforts... and they all amount to jack. They've gotten me nothing but sorrow and a heart that's been torn to shreds. And I see so many girls doing the same things I did. I see them putting it all on the line, serving and seeking to bless, trying to look good and be nice, sweet girls. But for what? What is it all for? If I'm honest with myself, I wasn't trying to be more like Jesus. I just wanted someone to see what a great catch I was. And if the guys in my past were honest, they weren't all that impressed that I had a heart of gold; they were just glad they had homemade cookies.


I don't want this to sound like a bitter or jaded rant. That's really not where I'm at. I love men more than ever, and I desire immensely to get married someday. This is just me asking... dreaming... what if we as single people were actually satisfied... content... happy to be where God has us. What if?


"LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." Psalm 16:5-6

Let me tell you why.

First thing this morning: scheduled "court" appearance. [I'll have you know, I'm a very good driver. No Ohio tickets to date.] "Court" actually turned out to be a big room with a bunch of round tables and three 'judges' sitting with their computers. I was in trouble with the city of Macedonia. They said I owed them taxes when I didn't, in fact, live there. I was really worried, but I shouldn't have been. I just knew if they asked for money, I wouldn't have any to give them! Ha. Turns out, they had an incorrect social security number for me, and that made them suspicious. So I didn't owe them anything and was on my way within half an hour! Lucky me.

Second amazingness: the first snow. Magical. Huge, puffy clumps. I LOVE the first snow. And now I'm really excited for the first "waking-up-to-a-world-of-white" snow. Oh, delicious! I feel seven all over again. I really do love winter.

Third fantastic slice: getting to open up all the new holiday merchandise at Starbucks. So, so exciting. Gets me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Fourth warm fuzzy: two [FREE] Christmas CDs. BeBe Winans. Not his biggest fan, but he does Christmas music justice. And the other is an Elton John & Friends CD. So fun. Flaming Lips. Rufus Wainwright. U2. Joss Stone. Hooray!

Last yummy news: my friend's gonna try to make my computer healthier. He's coming over soon to back everything up on his external hardrive. Then he's gonna do some stuff to it and ... make it... better. Don't ask what he's doing; I don't know. But it's going to be so superb.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot! One more fetch happening: I started a new book [bought for me by my dears, Ryan and Holly- thank you!] called "The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity." Good so far! Quote! "Many of us wish we were more creative. Many of us sense we ARE more creative, but unable to effectively tap that creativity. Our dreams elude us. Our lives feel somehow flat. Often, we have great ideas, wonderful dreams, but are unable to actualize them for ourselves." More to come, I'm sure...

Peace out, homes.